There’s a strange phenomenon occurring amongst Millennials and Gen Z’ers. It starts with a hushed voice, uncertainty on their face, and a deep breath. Then, they utter one little phrase, “I want to be in a relationship.” They return to relaxation and feel a slight relief in sharing their dirty little secret.
The first time seeing this, I didn’t give it a second thought. I’ve witnessed this “dirty little secret” so many times now that it finally caused me to pause and reflect. How has wanting a relationship become so taboo in an ever-evolving and progressive dating culture?
Admittedly, I’ve also been guilty of this, hesitant to desire something more than the casual situationship. While I’ve certainly had periods where relationships were not what I’ve wanted or needed, there were also periods I wanted a more traditional dating style but was too afraid to ask. I would struggle with the shame and guilt for wanting a practice that, many times, felt forced and outdated. Following the self-criticism, I would proudly affirm how much I enjoyed my freedom and unattached lifestyle and didn’t need serious dating, relationships, or marriage. Rather than exploring the complexity of sex, dating, and intimacy with regard to my personal values, I confronted up my feelings using the latest pop culture trends.
As a licensed psychologist and sex therapist, shame and fear are often at the heart of our dirty little secrets. We judge ourselves for being deviant, wrong, or broken. We fear those around us will misunderstand, judge, or criticize us for who we are. We doubt we can find what we actually need. Worse, we are terrified of asking for it and still not getting it. To avoid these outcomes, we stuff our truths down. We submerge ourselves in the latest trend until we feel accepted, safe, and completely hidden. The expansion of online dating and the criticizing of traditional relationship structures is the latest trend to elicit new dirty little secrets.
Don’t get me wrong, I celebrate the relational and sexual diversity that’s been able to explode in the last couple decades. Social media platforms and professionals are giving much needed spotlight to non-monogamy, casual sex, and pleasure as a goal in and of itself. No longer is the “walk of shame” a penance for healthy sexuality. Feeling more empowered to reject parenthood, marriage, and monogamy, many of us can now celebrate being single with ease.
Is singledom for everyone at every moment? And what does it say about you if you do want the “outdated” tradition known as a relationship? My opinion…long-term relationships, monogamy, and marriage are NOT dirty secrets. As a sexual liberation advocate, I do not promote sexual liberation at the expense of more traditional forms of intimacy and bonding. Liberation is a matter of expansion and inclusion…not substitution.
What exactly do I mean by this? As I explored these “dirty little secrets” more in depth and reflected on my own, I realized many of us put relationships in opposition to recent pop culture trends. For younger generations, relationships and monogamy have become synonymous with patriarchy, oppression, and ignorance. The desire to be a significant other is no longer encompassed as one of MANY ways to experience intimacy and connection. Instead of pausing to reflect on personal values, needs, and wants, many of us just swapped one autopilot for another. This is not liberation but does camouflage you well in sharing the perspective of many. You still are not choosing for yourself.
- What if wanting a long-term committed relationship is as evolved as wanting to be single?
- What if monogamy is as amazing and fulfilling as non-monogamy?
- What if you are able to freely move along these spectrums based on your current wants and needs?
- What if progress is one’s ability to pause, reflect, and determine these ever-changing needs that are unique to each of us?
True sexual liberation is your ability to identify and communicate your wants and needs in whatever way they look at a given time. Celebrate being single. Embody a liberated sexuality. Own when you want something different. You are closer to finding what you want when you feel confident in wanting it. Stop making wanting to have a relationship your dirty little secret.
To schedule a consultation, please visit Eros Rising or email Dr. Joyriel at jasmonae@erosrising.co